All Grown Up

One of the things about being a mom is that even when you kids reach adulthood, your role as a parent doesn’t stop. In fact, it just changes, and there are different things in your relationship as parent and child that you have to deal with. This can be a tough transition for many families but is possible to get some hints and tips on how to do this by following the advice below. Then you can help care for your children in an appropriate way, even when they are all grown up!  

Space

The first issue that it can be hard to get right when your children become young adults is the amount of space that you give them. It can be hard when they move out or head off to the dorm at college, especially if they are an only child. This is because it can leave you feeling like an empty nester. Which is a tough thing to go through if you have just put the last 18 years into being a mom, first and foremost.

But it is also important to realize that some separation is going to be natural for them at this age. As this is when they are developing themselves as a grown adult. So they will both want and need space to run their own lives and make their own decisions. Remember if you ‘baby’ your son or daughter they are never going to learn what is means to be truly independent and cope on their own. Which can also affect their quality of their life later on.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that you should just pack up their stuff, and tell them to go and find their own way either! It’s a much more measured approach that is needed.

For example, if you child still lives with you and is working now, it is appropriate to ask them to pay rent. But as rent payers, they don’t have to be in at your curfew, or even tell you where they are all the time. It’s a two-way process like this that will work best.

Trust

Something else that are crucial in negotiating a parent’s relationship with a young adult son or daughter is trust. Although this can be where a lot of relationships fall down.

The parent needs to demonstrate trust in the child, by allowing them to do what they think is best and make their own decisions. This can be super frustrating for a parent when you think you child is getting it wrong, and messing up their life.

However, it is an important way of learning how to survive in the real world. Taking a trusting and supportive attitude, instead of a judgmental stance is going to stand you in good stead in the relationship in the long term.  As your kids won’t feel so much of a need to rebel against your authority.

But of course, trust goes both ways as well, which means that the kids need to be able to trust the parent too. A lot of this is dependent on the parent being aware enough to step back in certain situations. Kids aren’t going to ask the folks for advice if they think all they are interested in is filling their own goals vicariously. They need to be able to trust that the seem them as an individual and not just an extension of themselves.

Boundaries

With all this talk of space and letting your young adult child be their own person. It could be easy to think that a total hands-off approach to the parenting relationship is what is called for. But like anything to do with a human this situation is likely to be more complicated and nuanced than that.

Yes, boundaries are important, and you as a parent need to know what is appropriate. For example, sending your kids some flu medicine through the post at college, when they are sick, is a thoughtful, appropriate gesture. Turning up with blankets, homemade chicken soup and a hot water bottle isn’t. Especially if they are in a shared dorm!

Similarly asking your son or daughter how they new relationship is going is perfectly acceptable. But checking up on every single detail of each date is going a bit beyond the pail. Just use some common sense to avoid becoming too overbearing.

Of course, there is some situation in which intervention is appropriate, such as when you feel that they are in grave danger. Hopefully, this isn’t a bridge you will have to cross. But many young adults can do encounter difficulties such as mental health problems and substance addictions.

If this is the case with your child then it is important to get them professional help as soon as possible. For mental health issues, a counselor, or psychologist can help teach them skills that they need to get better.

While for alcohol and drug issues it is often a good idea to enrol your loved one into a formal rehabilitation program like the one offered by SOBA. Then you will know that they are receiving the best help possible around the clock, tailored to a young adult demographic.

Validation

Now, something that we seem to never stop needing from our family no matter how old we are is validation. Knowing that we are respected and loved unconditionally, is a very powerful thing.

But be careful how this is delivered. Praising and valuing you kids, and not what they have done can very help in making people feel loved.

Also consider how mature a child that is grown up, but still always looking for those if bits of positivity and praise from their parents really is? Especially if it is regarding their external achievements. Is this serving them well, or are they just being kept in an immature state?

This is something that you really want to avoid as much as possible. As while it might be nice to be proud of our kids, they are separate entities, with free will. That means most of the time their choices are not a reflection on how we have brought them up.