The dictionary defines discipline as “the practice of training someone to obey rules or a code of behavior.” As a parent, there is a constant tension between discipline and giving grace when it comes to our kids. Even if you just have one child and they are still young, you know what I am talking about. You discipline them too much then they only hear your harsh words and feel your love is “conditional” and based only on their behaviors. You give them too much grace and you lose the battle right from the beginning and deal with bad behavior due to lack of correction. Parenting can be confusing, so where is the middle ground and where we hope to land?
I know when I was pregnant with my first I felt the need to read as many books on parenting as possible before we brought home this new little person into our family that we were responsible for instilling values, morals and beliefs. After about three books in, I could see there were viewpoints to support every different type of parenting technique you could think of and each were jam-packed with reasons why this method was the “right” one. Now I was even more confused than ever before. I finally reached out to one of my mentors and the information she gave me made the most sense to me and was the way I decided would work best for us. Here is what she told me:
As a mother, you are going to go through many stages and seasons of life as your children grow and mature. Our main objective as mothers and parents is to raise healthy, self-sufficient adults who eventually are able to thrive on their own and find their purpose in life. Your child was given to you for a purpose and there is something only you can give this child. We invest in our children by teaching, training, nurturing and loving them and this training and loving also includes disciplining them. Here is how she broke down how discipline should look as our children grow up:
- Years 1-5 = Discipline years (run a tight ship, girls)
- Years 6-12 = Training years (give them freedom as they deserve)
- Years 12-18 = Coaching years
- Years 18 & up = Friendship years (enjoy the fruits of your labor)
Be consistent with your discipline at a young age (years 1-5) and discipline strongly for the three Ds: Disrespect, Dishonesty & Disobedience. The early discipline years with your little ones are so hard, but I can promise that all the hard work does pay off. My oldest is now nine and we have moved into the “training years” where there are a lot more consequences for behavior. I am no longer the dictator but her “tour guide” in life. Discipline isn’t just a manual task, it’s also the shaping of a life. There are some very intentional things we can do in those early years that will make a difference in their lives. Here is a list of tips to help raise “healthy” children:
- Let them have consequences for their mistakes.
- Expose them to others who think differently.
- Don’t give them everything they want!
- Don’t let your #1 goal be to make them happy.
- Give them opportunities to help and serve others.
- Teach them to listen more than to talk.
- Let them hear you say “sorry” and “I was wrong.”
- Require them to have chores/responsibilities.
- Invest in your children and make sure they know they are a priority.
- Talk to your children- face-to-face conversation EVERY DAY! It keeps an ongoing tab.
That’s all I have for now. I’m sure my list will continue to grow as my children do. If for no other reason, this is a great reminder for me when I lose my vision as a parent and need to be set straight – I can use it as my guide. My hope is that these tips will help you to instill positive and loving behavior in your children at a young age when the stakes are still low. Our goal is the same as mothers: to be able to look back on our parenting after all of our children have been launched into this world, and be satisfied knowing that we disciplined and parented with a purpose.
“Discipline doesn’t break a child’s spirit half as often as the lack of it breaks a parent’s heart.”
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Tracie Nolde lives in Atlanta, GA with her husband, Jeff, and their three children, Camden, Chase and Kennedy.
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