“Wow, you look gorgeous!”
“Hey, I love that shirt on you.”
“Your new haircut looks great.”
“Cool car!”
These don’t seem like fighting words to me. They seem like the kind of words the average person would love to hear. I say them a lot; to men, to women, to complete strangers if it seems appropriate. Not because I hope to gain anything, but because I can. You see, my oldest brother Terry passed away when he was 39 years old, leaving decades worth of kind words and overt appreciations I can never share with him – never did share with him. When we lowered him into the ground, I promised I would never miss a chance to say a kind word to someone else whenever I could. And I never do.
If I think your job sounds awesome, your artistic skills are impressive, you seem good with kids, or if you look beautiful, I will more than likely tell you that. You are still on this earth and so am I; that’s reason enough. But the reason I’m writing this article, and the reason there’s a man’s viewpoint on MeaningfulWomen.com is the experience I’ve had recently trying to pay a sincere compliment to the women in my life. It’s a struggle.
Sometimes, based on the reaction I receive, I find that a close cousin to an outright insult is a sincere compliment. Them’s fighting words, it seems. I have said some version of, “you’re really beautiful” to several women in my life in the last two weeks. Here are just a few responses I’ve received: “Ha! Well, you should get in to see an eye doctor,” “not as beautiful as that girl,” or my least favorite, “No, I’m not. That’s not really something I hear all that much.”
You know what I didn’t hear? “Thank you!”
I mean, I heard it a few times, but always with equivocation. “Thanks, it’s this new shirt. People seem to like it,” or, “thanks, but I don’t think so.” And each time it happens, it just breaks my heart. Why do some women feel that a compliment must be fended off at the first utterance? As if allowing a compliment to connect and flatter is tantamount to letting a right hook crash into one’s jaw. Block! Parry! Thrust! Disavow!
Why can’t a woman be beautiful, or funny, or smart or sexy to herself? Before you answer, look at it this way. Let’s say you go shopping and find the exact item you’re looking for and when you get to the counter the cashier says, “Good news! It’s 50 percent off!” Would you turn it down? Would you argue your way right back up to full price, accepting nothing less? Of course not. So why argue away a heartfelt compliment?
Take the discount! Enjoy it, internalize it. And instead of fighting off the compliment like a ninja in the final scene of an action movie, stop. Ask yourself one question. “What would that person have to believe about me to want to say that?” The answers might be a revelation. That person (man or woman) would have to believe you’re beautiful, desirable, sexy, funny, smart, a great dancer, a sharp businesswoman, a natural leader. Isn’t that friggin’ awesome?!
And if you can’t bring yourself to ask that question, then ask this one: “if I successfully swat down the compliment and squash it like a bug…what exactly do I win?”
When a woman tells me, “I don’t get told I’m beautiful all that often,” for the most part, that’s on us men. We frequently fight off emotion the same way some women fight off a kind word and therefore our mouths don’t always fit around the decent things we could say. But when we finally manage to get our lips wrapped around, “you look fantastic”… take the discount!
And when you’re done, pass it on. Tell any woman that you care about how fantastic she is every chance you get. And don’t let her make you to take it back or minimize it. Women are beautiful, funny, sexy, intelligent, caring, wonderful creatures that make this world a kinder, gentler place. They should hear that more often. They should internalize it more often. And we should share it with everyone we love every chance we get. I know from personal experience that one day the chance might be gone.
Jim Burau is an award-winning screenwriter, author of To Support And Defend, and Creative Director of DragonStone Creative Group.
Jim,
I love your insights. As women, I think we’ve been taught to give compliments–not receive them. When complimenting another woman, I rarely hear a thank you. Most times it’s a negative response that deflects my positive words. That says something about a woman’s self esteem.
Thanks for the kind words and feedback, Isadora. Since writing this article I’ve received a lot of positive responses and insights I didn’t have before, including yours. I’m grateful for all of them. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
Thank you Jim for reminding us that it is OK for us to believe in ourselves and the right way to handle a compliment is with “thank you” and nothing more.
So – Thank you!
Really good article, Jim. Very insightful.
It’s all well and good to be nice to people, but in the real world ‘you look nice today’ can get you fired or sued.
People don’t respond to compliments with just a thank you because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Saying thank you to a compliment means, ‘I think you are right, I am sexy,’ which is kind of unsexy.
I was the only man in a yoga class years ago and one of the students had an adorable new hairdo. All the women were complimenting her and I kept my mouth shut. One of them asked why men never make comments at times like these. I had to tell her it’s a no win situation for us. If we say I like the hairdo then all sorts of questions come up. Am I harassing her? Am I some sort of hair perv?
And god help me if I say I don’t like it…